'So have you seen your period this month? When are you ovulating?...' these were just two of the many questions he would suddenly bombard me with out of nowhere, we hadn't even been discussing or talking baby at all so where was this coming from all of a sudden?
I knew he was anxious to start a family but I also knew all too well how this was going to end so my mind did a quick mental calculation back to the last day of my cycle the previous month, trying to recall exactly how to figure out what day/date I should be ovulating so I could provide him with an answer. The questions had hit me quite unexpectedly so I just came up with a random date, blurted it out semi confidently to avoid yet another blowout over my seeming lack of concern that I had not yet taken in since being married a couple of months already. The baby talk in my house had become a topic that seemed to come up once or twice a month causing massive arguements 9 out of 10 times. My husband would become extremely irritated and point out what he believed to be my unseriousness or perceived unwillingness to bear him a child because he could not understand why I had not yet gotten pregnant despite us having sex frequently or at least on the days he thought I should be ovulating based on what I may have told him the previous month.
I truthfully never looked forward to these conversations, they had become so uncomfortable for me. I was inundated with tons of information on how to calculate your fertile days/cycle so you could be intimate with your partner in the hopes that a baby would come of it, that it was running me ragged and slowly sucking the joy of anticipating a baby out of me. It was no longer something I hoped for but something I prayed would happen just so my hubby would be happy and finally let me have some peace. There was a constant incessant guilty feeling that I was unable to become pregnant immediately following saying my I dos and disappointment was the usual hallmark emotion that followed each month that went by with no missed period. When I did miss a period here and there, he would of course conclude that I was pregnant but when it would turn out not to be a baby that was causing this period skip and rather some other underlying health problem, the disappointment and frustration in his countenance was obvious.
Trips to the doctor got more frequent but with a regular prescription of rest, less worry and extra doses of patience, how was I supposed to go back each time and explain this to a man who was obviously frustrated and annoyed that I was yet to give him a child. He would half-heartedly ask after each doctor visit almost as if he already knew what the answer was going to be and after getting that confirmation, the baby talk always ended with the unenthusiastic 'well, we will try again next month'. Sex had become more about trying to get me pregnant and less about bonding for him. As the days grew into weeks and the weeks into months with nothing happening and getting more of the same treatment, more and more the idea of becoming pregnant disinterested me. I had become disheartened by the way I was made to feel and reminded at least a few times that this was the reason why he had wanted me to 'prove' I was indeed capable of conceiving a child before marrying me. If he didn't say the words, then his actions reiterated them and so the idea of bringing a child into the world with him no longer appealed to me; this was yet another way the joy of marriage had been ripped away from my heart.
I know for a fact that many women begin to panic and fret the minute they realize that they are on a clock for producing babies when months have gone by since becoming somebody's wife. The families start to gently mount pressure, friends begin to playfully ask when there will be an announcement of a new bundle of joy and so the society of uterus watchers begin to offer unsolicited advice and recommendations to visit this man of God or that specialist hospital😒 as if to suggest that something was wrong with you. It used to be my belief that a man and woman became husband and wife first for the purpose of companionship and partnership before anything else but I suppose that's just my own idealistic way of thinking. Children are God's gift and His choice to bless a couple with them should by no means become the singular burden of the woman just because she is yet to partake of that blessing. A woman should be able to find peace, love and support from her spouse instead of fear and sadness while she waits for answered prayers.
The Baby Talk ought to be one that both husband and wife anticipate patiently and prayerfully without undue pressure. The mindset should be one that prays for such a blessing to be bestowed on the marriage and causes no friction should the miracle be delayed or denied. Now being in my late 30s, motherhood is no longer one that perturbs me. I have many children around me and my life is full as is, besides childbirth ya'll?? It's a legit fear and I personally salute every woman who has birthed even just one!! RESPECT!! The point I'm getting at is that whether you are able to bear children or not should not be the main reason a man decides to marry you nor should it be why he or you more importantly ever questions your worth as a woman. You are a beautiful gift to any man and if he can not appreciate you beyond your ability to bear him children, then he is unworthy of you. Having said that, I strongly believe that intending couples should thoroughly discuss having kids before walking down the isle. These talks will prevent massive amounts of heartache and pain...
Anyone ever been through this? How did you work through it with your partner? Hope you share..