Almost 3 years ago now I came to this country feeling sad, defeated and depressed about first and foremost losing my brother and then about my marriage ending. I had all the usual emotions of bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness with the thought of 'never again' on my lips and in my heart.
How could I even entertain the thought of putting myself through another relationship and all the BS that comes with it? I wasn't ready.
Now fast forward 3 years later and I'm dating again. It's healthy, it's genuine and non-toxic. We've been exclusive for 4 months now and so far so good. I'm still a little jaded of course about love and relationships but deep down inside after a lot of self forgiveness and healing, I know I'm finally open to finding love again.
Finding 'him' wasn't easy though, I ran across one or two brief distractions before he came. After the fake and phonies came and went, I knew that if I wanted to attract the type of man I was convinced I deserved, I had to become the type of woman 'he' would also be looking for. There was work to do so I got right down to it to make dating again easier for me.
First things first, I had to identify exactly what it was I was looking for in a partner. There was going to be no more 'settling for less' on my part simply because I imagined that I was running out of time to find lasting love. I got rid of all the superficial attributes I once considered important and focused my attention on substance, character, genuineness and most importantly, someone who was looking to find a woman exactly like me. I had to be honest with myself by admitting that I have always been attracted to all the things I just mentioned. So while looks are great and attractive, they are also distracting and non lasting.
Secondly, I had to remember and accept that whoever I ended up with was going to be different from me. He may have different ideas about things and I had to be okay with that. As long as we were aligned on the fundamentals, then everything else needed to be fine with me. This is what I was referencing in my birthday post when I mentioned control. It was important for me to not feel the need to want to control his thoughts or beliefs simply because they differed from my own.
Check that post out here: 39 Things I've Learned This Year
Third and finally, I made a commitment to myself not to do all the things I used to do in my past relationships that more than likely contributed to their demise. Some of these things included over-analyzing ( I do this a lot), self-sabotaging and making assumptions. Learning to communicate my emotions clearly and not expecting that he 'ought to know' whatever it was I was thinking was something I resolved to do. I was going to approach my new relationship from a viewpoint of 'if I don't tell him, then he doesn't know'. It has been working so far.
For someone like me, none of these things have been easy to do but I have to remind myself that I can't expect to have a different outcome if I keep doing the same things. The person I'm with now is so incredibly patient and understanding of my shortcomings and has made the commitment to stick around. We agree on literally almost everything but when we do disagree, we are always respectful of each-other's point of view. So when I say these are 'guaranteed' ways to make dating easier again, what I'm really saying is that YOU need to commit to breaking old unhealthy habits and thinking patterns that have prevented you from finding love.
Of course there is no such thing as the perfect man because no such man exists but there are good men. You can't hope to ever control another person's feelings, all you can do is work on being the best version of yourself so you can attract the one who will love you for exactly who you are! I'm not ever ashamed to say I want love or a man in my life, I've been single and content and also content in relationships but my heart's desire is to live the rest of my life with the love of my life. Good news is that I may have finally found him and if not, then I'm well on my way to doing so.
Any thoughts on this? Comment below.
Always Love 💕