Like most people, I get a lot of inspiration from reading and hearing about other people's stories so when I share some of what my experiences have been, It is my hope that they can also inspire someone else so they know they are not the only ones going through a particular challenge.
I'm opening up more and more about my failed marriage because I want other women to learn and realize that they are worthy and deserving of better treatment than what they could be getting. I will never advise any woman to walk out of her marriage; that choice is an individual and personal one that is borne out of a desire for change. Sometime last week on my Instagram page, I mentioned a couple of influencers who had been blessed with the fruit of the womb, congratulated them and ended with a bit of inspiration for anyone believing for a similar or even different blessing. One of those influencers shared her TTC (trying to concieve) and Pregnancy story on her YouTube channel which is what ultimately inspired this post. I will apologize ahead of time that if this post starts to sound like it's going all over the place, please just bear with me. This is another hard reveal for me...
As I've already shared here recently, I was under extreme pressure in my marriage to conceive and when that didn't happen immediately, the next step was to go through a series of tests to be sure that all was well with me (notice that I said me and not us because it was concluded that I must be the one with the problem). Not wanting to cause more problems for myself regarding this, I subjected myself to all the blood, urine and abdominal tests/scans that took a combined time of about 2-3 weeks to complete and get the results. Once the results were out, I insisted that we both go back to the doctor together to hear what the tests had revealed and to my utter shock, horror and humiliation, the doctor blurts out that I had an untreated case of Chlamydia! Naturally, this caused a major blow up between us and I was absolutely furious but fast forward a few weeks, a few more tests were advised I undergo to make absolutely sure that the infection had done no irreversible damage to my fallopian tubes. Most notable among the tests was the HSG test (you can google this to get a clear picture of what the test entails) which a woman typically gets to evaluate fertility when she is trying to get pregnant. If you have had to go through this test as a woman, then you will understand just how scary and invasive the procedure is and just how much of a comfort it is to have your significant other with you in the room but needless to say that I had to endure this incredibly uncomfortable test all by myself. More embarrassing than the test itself were the questions I had to answer as to why I was undergoing this procedure after being married only a few months, where my partner was and why I was doing this alone. Fortunately for me, I did not experience the pain some women say they did with this test, all I felt was intense discomfort from the speculum, catheter and iodine-based dye that were all inserted into my lady parts and the test did come back clear of any damage to my tubes so I suppose that made the entire process worth it. However, all the while as I lay there, my only thoughts were of sadness and emotional pain that I was having to go through something like this so early in my marriage.
This marriage was barely a year old and here I was getting examined in a room full of strange people because I had somehow contacted a sexually transmitted infection from my partner. In that moment as I lay on that cold and sterile examination table, I realized how alone I was but how even though I was incredibly unhappy, I had become so strong on my own. In that moment, it no longer made sense to me that I was wearing a wedding band that tied me to a man who had subjected me to such humiliation and denied me of the love, support and safety that should have come along with that symbol. In that pivotal lonely moment, it no longer made sense for me to stay married to this man even though some had told me that none of this warranted me walking out or filing for divorce.
As women, we are so much stronger than we often give ourselves credit for. I was almost losing my sanity until it dawned on me that my life was still worth living and that this person was no longer deserving of me. Settling for less has become something women think they have to do because somehow we have convinced ourselves that 'half a loaf is better than no bread at all' and it saddens me to the point of infuriation that this has become the norm we propagate on ourselves because of the pressure the society forces us to succumb to. One day, this will change and I will play a big part in making that change happen but in the meantime, I want us as women to remain strong. Let's keep telling ourselves we are worthy because we are. If we change the narrative we speak upon our lives and refuse to accept any other, society will simply have no choice but to adjust!
I may have had to start my life all over again but I happily accept to do that and will continue to choose ME over any miserable union with a man.