Thursday, October 1, 2020



Whenever we hear the word 'abandonment' we automatically assume the worst and for the most part, that's what abandonment feels like. It is the discontinuation of any further interest in a person which could be for any number of reasons or as I'm about to show, no reason at all; none that you know of anyway.

It has been my experience that abandonment by a significant other or potential boo presents itself in sometimes subtle and not so subtle ways. It's not always the dramatic physical exit of a partner but rather the sudden halt of attention and interest that tends to hurt the most. In my dating experiences, I've had to over time learn how to handle emotional abandonment in romantic or potential romantic relationships for my own sanity and peace of mind otherwise these men would have us all out here looking crazy ya know? The abandonment in my case has looked something like this and perhaps you can also relate to one or two yourselves:

  • Abandonment for the sake of personal comfort - a guy has abandoned his commitment to me in the past for the sake of his personal comfort and comfort zones which he believed were being threatened. How do I know this? Dates were rescheduled, calls and texts would go unanswered for reasons such as sleep, the summer heat and even a football game. 

  • Abandonment for the sake of friends/other women -  I've had an ex who emotionally abandoned me on multiple occasions to hang out with his friends and to have the opportunity to flirt with other women. I never had his attention long enough without it being disrupted for boys night out or some social gathering where significant others were not invited 😏.

  • Abandonment for the sake of work and making money: This kind of abandonment can be excused but when very little to zero time is set aside for my emotional needs in the relationship, then it becomes a problem. This particular partner could never understand my position and always felt like I should simply appreciate and accept the skeletal/epileptic time he set aside for me.

  • Abandonment for unknown reasons - This is the worst kind in my opinion because you just don't know or understand why there is a sudden discontinuation of attention or interest. In today's modern language, this is also known as 'ghosting'.

Learning how to handle emotional abandonment in romantic relationships is something that sadly, women are getting accustomed to. When emotional neglect happens, it hurts of course but normalizing it is our way to cope to avoid feeling depressed, unworthy or unlovable. It's one thing to feel abandoned in a committed relationship because there's still the option to talk through the issue/issues causing it to happen but it's a very different thing when you feel abandoned or ghosted by a potential bae.

Experts will give you a list of tips and tricks on how to deal with being ghosted by someone you are 'talking to' or still getting to know like not sending a million texts confronting the ghoster and to resist the urge to send a 3 page essay expressing your disappointment in the event that he picks communication back up after ghosting for a while. They say doing any of this only makes you appear aggressive or desperate and will give the ghoster even more of a reason to abandon you. I suppose that these are effective methods in theory but probably a lot easier said than done. This is how I personally have been able to handle my emotional abandonment in relationships:

1. I tell myself that God merely took away something from my life that He knew I did not need. I deal with the natural human emotions of feeling disappointed or hurt but then I don't dwell on them and simply move on.

2. If I'm still getting to know someone and they suddenly stop communicating, I genuinely feel like that person owes me nothing because we are nothing so I do not take it personally. It's happened a few times already so I know😊.

3. If I'm already in a committed relationship, then we have to communicate but if changes aren't happening or I'm not being met half way, then I've got to walk away for both our peace of mind.

4. If I'm married (which I have been once before), I will try everything from counselling and continuing to talk through this change and it's causes until it becomes clear that the emotional abandonment I'm experiencing will not get better or change.

Abandonment whether physical or emotional can cause problems for the ones who have been abandoned later in life. It's perfectly fine for feelings to change and interest in a partner or potential partner to wane but we can all communicate that respectfully without feeling the need to pull a disappearing act. Why do you want to be the reason for another's trauma? If what you want at the end of the day is to be friends, say so and if you prefer to cut ties and move forward alone, say so. I think these are subtle ways we can look out for one another particularly with everyone's mental and emotional health being so fragile nowadays. To my ladies, the key is not to view every new guy you talk to as boyfriend material regardless of how, where and through who you met. Yes, it may be what you ultimately want but unless told that the desire is mutual, leave that brother in the friend zone and believe he has been allowed in your life to teach you something, walk with you through something or maybe even learn something from you. If he wants more, he will tell you PERIOD!

So if normalizing emotional abandonment in romantic relationships helps you eliminate destructive behavioral patterns, then by all means work that out the best way you know how.



No comments:

Post a Comment