One of the instructions from God for me this year was to become more vulnerable with my posts on being/becoming an Ezer Kenegdo Woman. Being vulnerable is not something that comes naturally or easily to me so for God to suggest this was certainly scary and not anything I wanted to do at all. But in order to stay committed to the word He gave me for 2022, I knew I had to surrender this to Him by being obedient to what He asked me to do.
My ex husband was the last man I was intimate with and this was back in September of 2016. I moved here shortly thereafter and stayed celibate until my will gave out one time in 2020. Immediately after it happened, I felt instantly guilty. I had let God down and for a short time I allowed the enemy's lies penetrate my spirit that God was disappointed in me and because of my sin I was now useless to Him. Finally coming to a desperate place in my personal journey with this, I cried out for forgiveness and asked God to help me work out our relationship where I was with Him. It's been almost 2 years and among other things, I am back on my celibacy journey but this time, God is the one in the driver's seat. He is the One who gives me the desire to do His pleasure (Philippians 2:13). He showed me that He had always been ready to meet me where I was even in my weakness and sin but I had to be the one to honestly come to Him and give Him my brokenness. He met me where I was, not where I pretended to be and continues to do so today as long as I remain honest, open and transparent with where I'm at.
If I'm being completely honest, I'm not a big sex person anymore but there are definitely times when I wish I had a husband to fulfill those needs. I realize that I need to be open about how I'm feeling with God because He created me to have these desires but they need to be met within the boundaries of marriage. I also understand the things that tend to trigger these feelings and desires so I make a conscious effort to stay away from them. For me, sex scenes in movies or even in books and sexually suggestive scenarios are my triggers so I avoid them. The Holy Spirit helped me see this and on days when the urges threaten to overwhelm me, I run to worship music or instantly start playing a sermon on YouTube to keep me from falling into temptation because let's face it, sometimes I need help with resisting the devil so he can flee from me. Am I always successful with resisting? NO! and that's when I tend to turn to other things but I try to be honest about that so God can help me with what I need. I am so thankful that He has been showing up for me in my moments of weakness.
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