Thursday, February 10, 2022



One of the instructions from God for me this year was to become more vulnerable with my posts on being/becoming an Ezer Kenegdo Woman. Being vulnerable is not something that comes naturally or easily to me so for God to suggest this was certainly scary and not anything I wanted to do at all. But in order to stay committed to the word He gave me for 2022, I knew I had to surrender this to Him by being obedient to what He asked me to do.

My ex husband was the last man I was intimate with and this was back in September of 2016. I moved here shortly thereafter and stayed celibate until my will gave out one time in 2020. Immediately after it happened, I felt instantly guilty. I had let God down and for a short time I allowed the enemy's lies penetrate my spirit that God was disappointed in me and because of my sin I was now useless to Him. Finally coming to a desperate place in my personal journey with this, I cried out for forgiveness and asked God to help me work out our relationship where I was with Him. It's been almost 2 years and among other things, I am back on my celibacy journey but this time, God is the one in the driver's seat. He is the One who gives me the desire to do His pleasure (Philippians 2:13). He showed me that He had always been ready to meet me where I was even in my weakness and sin but I had to be the one to honestly come to Him and give Him my brokenness. He met me where I was, not where I pretended to be and continues to do so today as long as I remain honest, open and transparent with where I'm at.

If I'm being completely honest, I'm not a big sex person anymore but there are definitely times when I wish I had a husband to fulfill those needs. I realize that I need to be open about how I'm feeling with God because He created me to have these desires but they need to be met within the boundaries of marriage. I also understand the things that tend to trigger these feelings and desires so I make a conscious effort to stay away from them. For me, sex scenes in movies or even in books and sexually suggestive scenarios are my triggers so I avoid them. The Holy Spirit helped me see this and on days when the urges threaten to overwhelm me, I run to worship music or instantly start playing a sermon on YouTube to keep me from falling into temptation because let's face it, sometimes I need help with resisting the devil so he can flee from me. Am I always successful with resisting? NO! and that's when I tend to turn to other things but I try to be honest about that so God can help me with what I need. I am so thankful that He has been showing up for me in my moments of weakness.

I'm learning that this Christian journey is not about perfection but progression (as Pst Mike Todd says) and in order for me to continue to progress, I owe it to God to stay honest with Him. That's all He wants you and I to do is just be honest with Him. It is in our weakness that He is made strong so our response when we fall into temptation is to run to Him and not away from Him.

God does not expect perfection from His children so why do we impose that upon ourselves? Satan will find every imaginable way to make you think God cannot use you because of how far away from Him you have gone or how deep in sin you are but those are all lies! Every known man/woman of God today all had to be transparent with God about their weaknesses and shortcomings before God could come in and transform them. Come to God as you are, with everything you are currently struggling with - pain, unforgiveness, pride, addictions, depression etc and God will do only what He can do to transform your life. 

Accepting Jesus does not have to be a complicated series of words and gestures, simply ask God to come into your life and help you because you recognize that you can not help yourself. Do that and let Him handle the rest.



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